Alone

I was standing in some door I've never seen before , I saw father leaning back in some wall smiling at me then my relatives come in, I ask them, "Where are the others?" Someone just told me they are in some other places, they will be here after they have finish their task, I stop for a moment and just try to understand what he just told cause it just didn't make sense, it seems to me that He was referring to something like a cycle then I start to get clothes on, had a confusion about what hat I'm going to wear. There were two options but I couldn't remember what did I wear in that time, Then the moment I got out of the house there was a bougainvillea thorn a sprawling woody vine that gave me a little of an open wound on my hand but I didn't mind as we continue to push through the heavy rain, we were carrying something but I didn't even know what we were carrying as I saw my friends they were shivering from cold so we sat for a while then I saw our house that is supposed to be built with cement now it's just container house and it looked like we were happy living inside a box, a box with doors then I heard someone's houses were being thrown stones at their window. I said "If someone's gonna throw a rock in my house I wouldn't know what would I do". We stared for a moment and for a second I felt like my body was on paralyze watching my self from a distance, like a movie, a live theatre act, as myself as the live performer, I was an audience myself. I was only a part of a thousandth scenes of my life and from the way I see it, Our past is just a story we tell ourselves but I didn't stop me from walking and before I knew it I saw a very long line moving downward, one man grab the handle and stretch his feet like an elastic rubber up until he finish the zip, we weren't wondering why he could do or why did he go down, we just keep on continuing our journey, then I saw some circus somewhat fictional that can only be found in fantasies, there were a lot of rides and a lot of things to do,and just for a moment I was watching a conversation from two cats, talking about something like the world is going to end and that the universe needs something to be done but I didn't take it seriously as I mind my own business I might as well enjoy those wonderful sight in front while I'm still here. I felt like I already knew the place and never had I felt comfort by just standing on this plain ground. I was having so much fun that I forgot that I almost lost in this void then I started hearing signal calls, I start to run as fast as I can but the road was unclear it was so strange then out of the blue there was also a man running beside me, we looked each other I wasn't sure if he was copying me or was I copying him, feels like another me in another galaxies but I ran as fast I could inorder for me to lost him then I saw a boy riding long board but something was off, two boards were joined together they have eight wheels combined altogether and he was riding it so fast like he was also running from something. All the time I was chasing him, He was saying something blaming himself but I couldn't figure out why, then the moment he stop it was already a dead end, I ask him is there another way out? He told me no, his Father was outside looking at me with a very gloomy face I started to move out of the way again and find my way. From afar I can see my friends waiting with party horns, hats and balloons, looks like they were happy and was celebrating for my return as I continue to walk I saw two couple's with their two child's they were happy there was a vibe that gives off they were contended in life, then I walk again and saw the father and the child again in some small hole in a aluminum sliding door, The father was holding a black gun and started to shoot randomly, I was just standing there the whole time, just waiting for something to happen, then at the third shot something come up to me, a very sad feeling. I remember these little things in life are one that most matters, I have been doing a lot of thinking for these past days, I was asking a lot of things to myself like I was trying to evaluate my self from this world, I ask a simple question, Who am I?, What can I be? Where am I going? What's out there? What are the possibilities? soon realized that I can't feel no more, since the beginning there was no sign of emotions from me, it showed me like my brain had already given up, all I can feel is loneliness, I can't even open my eyes, all I see is darkness and lying on the ground felt so lonely, just the thought of being alone here forever gives a really big shock of sadness in me, just one softest waves touching my body once at a time. Never did I imagine what life is until I lost it, a very tragic ending me being hit by a random shot. Then for a moment I stop, I called out for your name, begging for just another chance, for just another try, of what life is about but there was no reply. I tried to struggle very hard but I was so powerless I can't even move an inch. I asked again for one final chance but still at the very end there was no reply. I am alone in this void only with myself together with the desire to get hope someday, I have no choice but to forever stay here for as long as I could until I could not even differentiate reality from dreams no more.

10/04/19